Corporate Learning Series - 11/ Management Lessons

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
£800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up !!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull5hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Corporate Learning Series-10/ Donkey Job

Once upon a time a Washer man had two donkeys.

Let's say Donkey-A & Donkey-B.

Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than the other.

He always tried to attract the washer man by taking more load and walking fast in front of him. Donkey-B was innocent and behaved very normal, irrespective of the washer man's presence. After a period of time, Washer man started pressurizing Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A. ; But Donkey-B was unable to walk fast and got punished by the washer man. Donkey B was tearful and requested Donkey-A "Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with each other....we can carry equal load at normal speed ".

That made Donkey-A all the more energetic and next day he told the washer man that he can carry more load and he can run faster also.

Obviously happier, washer man looked at Donkey-B., got more angry and he started kicking Donkey-B. Next day with a smile, Donkey-A carried more load and started running fast. But it was breathtaking for Donkey-B and he couldn't act that way.....The washer man was very angry & frustrated, so he harassed Donkey-B terribly, and finally it fell down hopelessly.

Donkey-A felt very happy and elated and with more vigor started carrying more load with greater speed. But now the load of Donkey-B was also being carried by Donkey-A., and still it had to run fast. For some period he did, finally due to
fatigue he got tired and started feeling the pain. But washer man expected more from Donkey-A. He tried his best, but couldn't cope up with his owners demand. The Washer man got angry with Donkey-A also and started harassing to take more load... Donkey-A was sad and harassed and tried its best... but he couldn't meet the owner's satisfaction. Finally the day came when due to frustration the washer man killed Donkey-A and went searching for some other Donkey.

The moral of the Story in Corporate and social life is......,

"Consider all colleagues as equal and remember everybody is capable in their own way....

Always Share the Load equally.....

Don't ever act smart in front of your Boss and never try to get undur-credit. ..

Don't feel happy when ur colleague is under pressure.. "

It doesn't matter if u r A or B, for the Boss u shall always be a DONKEY

And most important: Less Work Hard, More Work Clever...!!!

Corporate Learning Series - 9/ Initiative

Some years ago, three brothers left the farm to work in the city. They
were all hired by the same company at the same pay. Three years
later, Jim
was being paid $500 a month, Frank was receiving $1,000, but George
was now
making $1,500.

Their father decided to visit the employer. He listened to the
confused
father and said, "I will let the boys explain for themselves."

Jim was summoned to the supervisor's office and was told, "Jim, I
understand the Far East Importers has just brought in a large
transport
plane loaded with Japanese import goods. Will you please go over to
the
airport and get a cargo inventory?"

Three minutes later, Jim returned to the office. "The cargo was one
thousand bolts of Japanese silk," Jim reported. "I got the
information over
the telephone from a member of the crew."

When Jim left, Frank, the $1,000 a month brother, was
called. "Frank," said
the supervisor, "I wish you'd go out to the airport and get an
inventory of
the cargo plane which was just brought in by Far East Importers."

An hour later, Frank was back in the office with a list showing that
the
plane carried 1,000 bolts of Japanese silk, 500 transistor radios,
and 1,000
hand painted bamboo trays. George, the $1,500 a month brother, was
given
identical instructions. Working hours were over when he finally
returned.

"The transport plane carried one thousand bolts of Japanese silk," he
began.
"It was on sale at sixty dollars a bolt, so I took a two-day option
on the
whole lot. I have wired a designer in New York offering the silk at
seventy-five dollars a bolt. I expect to have the order tomorrow. I
also
found five hundred transistor radios, which I sold over the telephone
at a
profit of $2.30 each. There were a thousand bamboo trays, but they
were of
poor quality, so I didn't try to do anything with them."

When George left the office, the employer smiled. "You probably
noticed,"
he said, "that Jim doesn't do what he's told, Frank does only what
he'd
told, but George does without being told."

*The future is full of promise for one who shows initiative. *

Corporate Learning Series - 7/ Consultants.

A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference for an

organization:

Last week, I took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the

waiter, who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and

utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to

revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded

that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a

drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our

personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to

the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it

with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an

extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed!

After consuming my soup, I also noticed that there was a string hanging

out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the

same string hanging from their flies.

So when he came to take away our soup bowls, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse

me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

He lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I

mentioned also found out that we could save time in the rest room.

By tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what', we can pull it out

without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening

the time spent in the rest room by 76.39 percent.'

'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

Corporate Learning Series - 6/ Manager Vs Engineer.

Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers

were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these

Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole

thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,

pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to

end, gives the measurement to one of the managers,

Re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.

After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs …

"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the

length!"

Moral : No matter what good you do, Management can always find fault in you .

Corporate Learning Series - 5/ Engineers vs Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces

height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and

shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 50 feet

above this field. "

"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.

"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically

correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don`t know where you are, or where you`re

going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position

you were before we met, but somehow now it's my fault.

Corporate Learning Series - 4/ Designations Galore

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby

in One month.

2) Tool Designer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a

Baby.

3) Plant Head is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in

one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if

no man and woman are available.

6) Value engineering Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll

produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is

delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to

produce a baby.

And lastly.................

9) Quality Inspector is a person who always tells his wife that this is not

the Right baby.

10) You : ???

Corporate Learning Series - 3/ MBA Vs Engineer

MBA vs Engineer

A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and

fell asleep.

Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend. " look up

at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are

millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and

we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Economically there are mass scale of stars in the sky .

So "Economy of Scale " would be the ideal strategy in that market.

Strategically such market would be a volume driven market

Financially it would be a low margin market.

From HR point of view we would require huge manpower

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks."Practically"...Someone

has stolen our tent".

Corporate Learning Series - 2/ Diary of an MBA

July 26th

I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!! And I like it already.

"Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman - Manufacturing". My dad

was

thrilled when he heard my designation.

"What the f!@#!!!" were his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents are

happy...

Need to meet HR in half an hour. I can't wait to get my first Employee ID

Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers (PWC) is

the

beginning of great things.

P.S. I have brought my favourite textbooks back from the institute OD, OM

and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I will handle

soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.

July 28th

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had left

a month ago. So they didn't know I was joining. We had a hearty laugh

over

that one.

I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am sharing a

nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate Communication.

The phone doesn't work though...

August 2nd

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Met my boss today. He spent a lot of time with my CV and then asked me

how

I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to

get

me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in the err...

umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy machine section" of the

plant.

Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The office

boy

had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray of

cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for ads. I

am going to be famous.

August 7th

My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings using

the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula. It takes into account item cost,

holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me

a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is

obviously not an MBA...

Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the "Our Employees Love

Us" campaign.

P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing. It

has to be in whole numbers.

August 11th

I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with

Engineering. They said that should be enough for around 14 years of

requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my

room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential savings.

I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From

tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to

understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm.

(That OD book is good)

August 14th

I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities manager

Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee Machine takes

too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all

with a table of contents and everything. She is sure going to be

impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour

ago. No reply yet.

They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo shoot

was

taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late without

extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner. It now reads

"Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to model for all the snaps and videos.

They called me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang for

"Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...

P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract

can't be changed now. I don't have too much space left in my cupboard.

August 25th

My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. "Please

proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I supposed to know

MS

Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!!

Where's natural justice?

Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It took

me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I had to

run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing which

rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee machine and tipped coffee

powder into the polymer mixing matching tray. No one saw anything.

P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail from

an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia family I think.

Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia...

September 2nd

My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty thrilled

to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!!

That should be some sort of company record.

I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were

there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding their

heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was open the

whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed. The presentation was on "An

Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!"

p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a ball

bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately convened

a

meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC.

September 4th

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa . I will be

heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division.

They have

also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it speaks

much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to leave immediately

for Kujumbinana.

P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!

September 5th

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here...

Corporate Learning Series - 1/ Focus on Job

FOCUS ON JOB

First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their

first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered

with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

'InVeterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities

as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything

involving the Animal body'.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his

finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his

Finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But

eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of

the dead pig and tasted in
their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and

said, 'The Second most important quality is observation.

I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index

finger.

Now learn to pay attention…

Moral of the story: Life is tough, but it's a lot tougher

when you'r work like an idiot